I find it interesting and difficult to describe how counseling is successful. Integrative Dialogue is no different in trying to pinpoint the how and why it is successful. A few things I do know is that success is relationship based. Each person who steps into my office is going to create an unique relationship.
I remember one of the first relationships I destroyed when learning to be a counselor. In my master’s program practicum (the first time meeting a person face to face to start the process of practicing the art and science of counseling), we were all required to get folks to volunteer to come in to the clinic so another person in the program could practice the basics on the poor volunteer. I had suckered my two friends into being volunteers and was seeing the first two people booked for my practicum.
The first practice had gone well. The person came into the room and we talked about his problem and I did the required listening. I reflected and summarized and listened some more. I figuratively held up a mirror through our conversation that helped him see more clearly what was going on in his life so that he could decide if he wanted to change that.
I was a hit. The other students who were watching (or daydreaming) behind the one-way window were impressed and showered me with mostly undeserving compliments at the end of the session. This was the counselor-in-training feedback time. Some compliments were deserved, but I am still trying to put on a humble face about it all. A few of my fellow students even started calling me Dr. Tom as they thought I was going to bounce right out of the master’s program into a doctoral program and set the world right in both group and individual therapy.
Then came “client” number two. She was a young woman volunteer who was only slightly younger than I was at the time. Her willingness to volunteer was not apparent so who knows what my student counselor colleague had over her that created enough leverage for her to be a volunteer. Ice cubes could have been falling from her lips as she projected as much coldness as was humanly possibly while continuing to pump oxygenated blood from her heart throughout her body.
She didn’t have problems. None. Not a thing to talk about. All the listening skills that I had perfected in a few short semesters of counselor training could not elicit one issue that was in the least disturbing in her life. Any attempt at an exploring of areas or issues in her life brought about a change from the ice-cold comments and the stone cold stares darting from her bluish eyes, to obvious precursors of venom that was about to be discharged in my direction. She was having nothing to do with any kind of relationship with me, save a possible decapitation, should the appropriate accoutrement suddenly appear.
Fifteen minutes into the most tedious effort and the most obvious failure in front of my peers, I ended the session as quckly and politely as I possibly could. Inside I was wondering why she would ever volunteer in the first place. The lesson on “why ask why” along with the avoidance of such an excuse producing question kept that particular response in check. Still, I bowed my head and with self-effacing meekness strolled into the feedback room to lick my emotional wounds. The saving grace was the shared shock of my fellow students.
As I recall this incident, I am now not certain if they were shocked because I was abrupt in the closure or that I was so adapt at totally missing something that could have established even the slightest element of warmth. The extent of the discussion escapes me now these 30 plus years on, but the hard lesson learnt remains deep within me. Those long minutes continue to keep me challenged and continue to keep me on my toes when I feel a coldness during the initial few minutes. That early experience provided me with the realization that any important issue to discuss can be buried deep enough and cold enough that my patience in relationship building will once again be tested.
Awesome post! Keep up the great work! 🙂
Great content! Super high-quality! Keep it up! 🙂
I find it interesting and difficult to describe how counseling is successful. Integrative Dialogue is no different in trying to pinpoint the how and why it is successful. A few things I do know is that success is relationship based. Each person who steps into my office is going to create an unique relationship.
I remember one of the first relationships I destroyed when learning to be a counselor. In my master’s program practicum (the first time meeting a person face to face to start the process of practicing the art and science of counseling), we were all required to get folks to volunteer to come in to the clinic so another person in the program could practice the basics on the poor volunteer. I had suckered my two friends into being volunteers and was seeing the first two people booked for my practicum.
The first practice had gone well. The person came into the room and we talked about his problem and I did the required listening. I reflected and summarized and listened some more. I figuratively held up a mirror through our conversation that helped him see more clearly what was going on in his life so that he could decide if he wanted to change that.
I was a hit. The other students who were watching (or daydreaming) behind the one-way window were impressed and showered me with mostly undeserving compliments at the end of the session. This was the counselor-in-training feedback time. Some compliments were deserved, but I am still trying to put on a humble face about it all. A few of my fellow students even started calling me Dr. Tom as they thought I was going to bounce right out of the master’s program into a doctoral program and set the world right in both group and individual therapy.
Then came “client” number two. She was a young woman volunteer who was only slightly younger than I was at the time. Her willingness to volunteer was not apparent so who knows what my student counselor colleague had over her that created enough leverage for her to be a volunteer. Ice cubes could have been falling from her lips as she projected as much coldness as was humanly possibly while continuing to pump oxygenated blood from her heart throughout her body.
She didn’t have problems. None. Not a thing to talk about. All the listening skills that I had perfected in a few short semesters of counselor training could not elicit one issue that was in the least disturbing in her life. Any attempt at an exploring of areas or issues in her life brought about a change from the ice-cold comments and the stone cold stares darting from her bluish eyes, to obvious precursors of venom that was about to be discharged in my direction. She was having nothing to do with any kind of relationship with me, save a possible decapitation, should the appropriate accoutrement suddenly appear.
Fifteen minutes into the most tedious effort and the most obvious failure in front of my peers, I ended the session as quckly and politely as I possibly could. Inside I was wondering why she would ever volunteer in the first place. The lesson on “why ask why” along with the avoidance of such an excuse producing question kept that particular response in check. Still, I bowed my head and with self-effacing meekness strolled into the feedback room to lick my emotional wounds. The saving grace was the shared shock of my fellow students.
As I recall this incident, I am now not certain if they were shocked because I was abrupt in the closure or that I was so adapt at totally missing something that could have established even the slightest element of warmth. The extent of the discussion escapes me now these 30 plus years on, but the hard lesson learnt remains deep within me. Those long minutes continue to keep me challenged and continue to keep me on my toes when I feel a coldness during the initial few minutes. That early experience provided me with the realization that any important issue to discuss can be buried deep enough and cold enough that my patience in relationship building will once again be tested.